Major Point of View Change.

I know it’s been a while since I posted, but I’ve been busy giving Véradó – The Workers a major overhaul. I am currently working on changing the third person point of view into first person. Slightly easier said than done, as this novel is not from just one characters perspective. I think it will have to be told from three characters pov’s as there doesn’t seem to be any other way around it, other than to leave it in the third person.  My reason for attempting this drastic change is that it had been suggested that my characters were too distant from the story and to really get to know them would be to become them, so that’s what I’ve been attempting to do.

Okay so here is an example of before:

As she spoke, the tall dark haired man advanced across the courtyard towards them. He moved quickly, his long dark hair billowed behind him with the momentum of his pace. He kept his eyes firmly fixed on this stranger who’d infiltrated his clandestine organisation. Nicole was unnerved by his staunch approach. His frame was muscular and foreboding, she felt threatened, there was nothing subtle about him. His expression was cast defensively as he continued to glare at this stranger. Nicole held her breath as he approached.

“Anna… you haven’t introduced us.” His voice was deep but more gentle than Nicole had anticipated, his accent was beautiful; it sounded somewhat local, Mediterranean at the very least, and he spoke with urgency, so as not to give Nicole a chance to walk away.

“I was about to…” Anna gestured towards her friend, “This is Nicole. She came out here several weeks ago and we’ve been spending a lot of time together.” His eyes narrowed as he heeded the state of Anna, he reached out and brushed the wound on her face with the back of his hand. “Who did this to you?” he seethed. Anna didn’t respond, she turned to Nicole, a weak smile clinging to her lips. She held Nicole’s hand in an attempt to comfort her in the presence of such an immensely intimidating character.

“This is Marshall.” Her eyes flickered up towards him as she spoke his name.

And after:

As Anna spoke, my eyes were drawn towards the tall dark haired man, as he began to advance across the courtyard towards us. He moved quickly, his long dark hair billowing behind him with the momentum of his pace. I can’t say what it was about him that ripped through me but I couldn’t take my eyes off him, and he kept his eyes firmly fixed on me. I guess he saw me as a threat, a stranger who’d infiltrated his clandestine organisation. His frame was muscular and foreboding, I can’t deny that felt threatened; there was nothing subtle about him. His expression was cast defensively as he continued to glare at me and I held my breath as he approached.

“Anna… you haven’t introduced us.” His voice was deep but more gentle than I would have anticipated, his accent was beautiful; it sounded local, Mediterranean at the very least, and he spoke with urgency, so as not to give me a chance to walk away.

“I was about to…” Anna gestured towards me, “This is my friend, Nicole. She came out here several weeks ago and we’ve been spending a lot of time together.” Anna smiled as she spoke, but I could tell it was purely for my benefit. The man’s eyes narrowed as he heeded the state of Anna, he reached out and brushed the wound on her face with the back of his hand.

“Who did this to you?” he seethed. Anna didn’t respond, she turned to me; the weak smile clinging to her lips. She held my hand in an attempt to comfort me in the presence of such an immensely intimidating character.

“This is Marshall.” Her eyes flickered up towards him as she spoke his name.

Better?

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4 thoughts on “Major Point of View Change.

  1. hannahkarena says:

    I’ve done this kind of point of view overhaul before and, yes, it’s exhausting. Totally worth it for the readers, though…usually. Good luck!

  2. Diane says:

    Definately, definately better – still needing a bit of polish but actually a great deal better. – Well done on taking on this huge task. I have been attempting first person in my latest blog serial and it needs concentration I don’t know whether I have achieved it or not. Just as a ps can I mention that you have dark hair twice in the first para. Also, I think that where Anna takes Nicole’s hand it works if she is vocalising thoughts. “She takes my hand, is she trying to reassure me” that sort of thing. Good luck with it anyway.

  3. Paula G says:

    When I read the start of your post I thought “oh no, why does she feel the need to change it do much?” …… But I think it works – as the reader I felt more involved. Xxx

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